Dramatic New Development in Parental Tools
Feiser pharmaceutical announced today the release of a new drug said to enhance the ability of parents everywhere to keep their children safe, happy, and even tempered, even in the most trying of circumstances.
The drug - Aquisitionex (generic name of Iwantital) is said to target the greed center of the child's brain, which takes up approximately 98% of the gray matter of a pre-adult human.
Noted researcher Dr. Ivan T Tall, and his assistants at the Human Education Learning Platform and Management Education Generalization Organization of Development for parental research, or HELP ME GOD, were assisted over the past 10 years by huge grants from both the Aaron Spelling Foundation, and the Hilton Foundation for Getting Our Brats Off Our Backs and Out Of Our Pockets (HFGOBOOBOOOP).
Dr. Tall said that "HFGOBOOBOOOP was instrumental in the last three years with huge amounts of money literally pouring in to our center, even when we said we had enough, usually with pleading, heart wrenching notes attached. It really motivated us to get this drug working."
And work it does. With a single dose, the child gets a feeling of acquisition that lasts the whole day through, without the slightest bit of whining and tantrums. There are no noticeable side effects other than angelic smiles and the occasional realization by the parent that he/she has tinnitus from the constant whining that was occurring, now that there are periods of silence.
The FDA approved the drug in a record 2 hours, after a clinical trial showing Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie sitting and chatting in the heart of Rodeo Drive, without a single package or purchase, and then leaving and going home for a quiet evening of light reading and cocoa.
"I am truly in awe of this dramatic development, and I herald it as a new dawn for parenting." said FDA chief Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D..
The drug will be available for OTC sales February 1st, and pre-orders have already topped $1Billion.